I feel like i can only be real here on tumblr. no one knows who I am or what I look like. No one i actually know in real life follows me and i can say things freely and be myself.
Lately, I have been on a super healthy kick. I’m doing tapout and its fucking intense. I’m sore and in pain 24/7 but the pain feels good. But, i’m stressed out..I know its only been a few days but i’ve been hitting the gym for a bit before tapout and eating right so i dont know why i’m not loosing weight. I mean, i have lost some inches, but its not enough for me. I want to be skinny. I’ve always been the fat girl - we all know a fat girl, or we are that fat girl. I’m not that fat girl anymore, i’m average now but its just not enough for me. I want to be a skinny girl. But we all know, if you were once a fat girl you will always be a fat girl in your head.
I know its soooooo wrong - but when i see bigger girls who are not taking care of themselves, i just feel gross. I mean, I WAS THEM. I am allowed to make these observations because i’ve been there. I feel like, why aren’t you changing your lifestyle? You’re happy? thats great! but you’re body isn’t! and i just don’t want to be like that any more, i dont want to end up like them.
Since i’ve been on this health kick, eating is a bit of a struggle. I eat well, but i try to eat less. But i’m still fat. Since today was my moms birthday we had churches fried chicken and birthday cake. I ate one piece of chicken and a piece of birthday cake. Now i’m so full and i feel sad. I literally feel sad that I ate all that fattening food. I actually want to cry because I ate that much. What is wrong with me? Isn’t that so fucked up? I want to cry because I ate too much fatty foods! That has never happened to me before. But i feel disgusting and I hate myself. That could be the source of all of this.
Will I be happy if I ever become skinny?
I’m so stressed out, not with just this weight thing but with life. School is stressing my out, my family is stressing me out and my dog stresses me out. Just everybody - LEAVE ME ALONE. I just want to break down and cry from all of this.
